Mixed feelings...

I can't find any suitable words to describe my feelings right now, or since last evening.
When i was told of the news.
I don't know if i should teared. Or i ought to.
B was asking if hes a close uncle.
I don't know how to answer that Q.
I can't say hes not close to me. Neither i can't say he is that close to me.
Can't someone advise me?

Since i was born, till i was almost an adult. For 19 years i was living under the same roof with him.
But for the next 10 years that came along, i don't recall seeing him anymore.
Not a visit when he was still well and alive at the new flat unit.
Not a visit too when he was ill and hanging there at the rehab hospital.

Cruel?

I don't know.
I probably never knew how the family ties works in my family.
How close or how sparse the links actually are.

Now that he is gone.

I would say it makes no difference in my life.

Yet, i'm bothered by it.

I can't say i'm not bothered by his death. But not like it's really making an impact on me because of the issue. It's the issues that are stringing along making me all wired up. The thoughts that link with it.


The other thoughts.

sleepless night..

I can't recall when was the last time this is happening.
That i am entering in the middle of the night.
Sleepless.
Without B.
Too much thoughts on my mind.
Running here and there.
Dead end knots at all corners.
Sometimes i hate to do this. Just writing of emotional stuffs.
And not what's meaningfully going through in my life.
I hate it.
What is there inside this book?
Just simply whinnings?
Just nonsensical words?
Damn.

God, i can't believe it's turning sept next week.
3/4 of the year is going to pass just like that.
What have i done?
What have i achieve?
Work work and more work. But i'm not gaining any satifactory in my work.
i even detest what im doing.
my sense of responsibility is fading.
life wise, i was told, at least i have it going somewhere. the future is there.
what is there? i would ask myself.
i have no idea.
what is in life itself?
i have yet to gasp what's within.
the world is that big?
what do i want to explore?
what do i want to find out?
what do i want?
honestly?
i feel i have been escaping throughout.
not willing to face the world.
always running away.
i kept telling myself i want a change.
i need a change.
then again, what have i done.
nothing.
time is ticking away.
im wasting time.
im throwing away alot of things.
the other wkend, i was busying tidying and packing my physical belongings to shift to a new place.
a new temporary shelter.
as i was packing, i realises, i have so much stuffs.
its easy to pack physical stuffs.
just pack and throw the unwanted.
dump it in the bin.
or even burn it. to destroy any remains.
then, what abt the emotional baggages.
i can't just throw n burn, can i?
as always as been said, time will erases everything. time will fade it away.
does it always happen like that?
maybe.
as far as i know.
some of the past, i have long forgotten.
but some, refuses to be faded.
it may seem to be lost. but actually, it was just hidden somewhere.
waiting for you to open the box and exposes all out again.
there are so many ways that u can see it.
the past is for u to learnt to gasp the present better and for the future to smile at u.
n then, u can see it as a tripping stone.
something which blinds u instead.
what do u see?

there are numerous interpretations of words.
countless.
its how u read it.
"im bored" - i have nothing to do.
or i have too many things to do and dont know where to start.
im feeling bored in the company of a group.
im feeling bored being alone.
or simply, im a boring person with a very mundane routine.

???

i have lived about 30 yrs of life with nothing fantastic under it.
what should i do for the next 30yrs of life?
what do i want?
i know i want to travel.
for leisure? or should i make it for work.
if the latter, what should i do to make a difference.
if not, what else?

and what abt every other issues of my life???

towards B.
what do i want to achieve?

towards family. what do i want to do for them?

towards myself. what do i want to prove it?

damn again.

The effects of Burning..

=(

Not having enough sleep lately. I ought to be packing and tidying during the free time.
Which i did for the first half. And then i sacrifice my sleep for Burning Flame 3 and Boys before Flowers.
Arghh!!!!