Quiet Christmas

It has been a really quiet christmas this year. No partying, no beers, just a couple of vcds accompanying me through the night. Weekend was spent with parents for dinner on two nights and that was it. It's simply me, parents and the telly time. Lolx... actually i kinda enjoy it. For i just wanted to get away from the crowd.

Away the bursting noise pollution and barely movable journey. Once you reach the heart of the city, you actually don't have to walk, all you need to do is to simply stand there and the people at the back will push you forward. I hate that kind of feeling, making you feeling suffocated. Past christmases has been spent at home parties or either sloughing my life in shop. Not this year. No party to go to because my cousin was busy. Not working because i've switched my job. No longer working when others are enjoying their holidays. Still, i miss the free times that i had when most people are working. I miss shopping on week days, having cuppa in restaurants with instant attentiveness from the waiter simply because there are not much customers around.

But then again, it will fun to enjoy the once a year affair with friends, exchanging presents, gorging on the sumptous food... heehee... next year bah... this year is a quiet year for me.

I've enjoyed my weekend. Having to watched the 'Batman Begin', Blade 1, 2 & 3 and the LOTR.

I've regretted listening to my bro not watching the BB. It's a nice movie, not as what he claimed to be, boring and uninteresting. I like it. It's so much different from the past Batman movies. And re-watching the Blade movies make me more keen to get hold of the weaponry stuff inside. =p

But it's so expensive. Anyone who would like to sponsor me? haha... my birthday coming soon wor.. hee...

Not much happening for the weekend... i'm glad i have rested well because i have to get myself prepared for the tedious journey that comes along now. haha... work lor.. what else... having packed all stuffs today for the new home, tomorrow n the day after tomorrow will be unpacking of stuffs. Getting all necessary things worked on. Get the office ready by this saturday. & then, with the start of January, it will be work like mad dog for me. Time to finish off what the bad lot i've accumulated in 2005. To get myself used to 2 boss instead of one. Jesus.. getting myself to please one andy is enough for me. & now, there is another guy coming along. I wonder how he is like. Only god knows.

Well, so much for the christmas weekend and recent work updates.

Hmmm... i'm looking forward to the Bangkok trip as suggested by chick. Wonder if she meant it. =p But isn't it abit rush to go on the Hari Raya weekend? I kinda find so but it will be nice if we are going.

LOVE

When you feel loved, life is wonderful.
You are happy, alive and free.
You feel better about yourself and everything around you.
The same thing happens when you give love to someone else.
If you want to create a life of love, you have to open your heart and give love.
As you do this, you automatically receive love in return.
Life becomes more enjoyable and you become more effective.
Unfortunately, opening your heart and expressing love can be very scary.
We are afraid that if we open our hearts and express our love, we'll get hurt.
We've been hurt before and it's no fun.
To make sure we don't get hurt again, we put up our walls of protection.
We hold ourselves back and we push people away.
We create distance and destroy love.
Without ever noticing, we push away the love that we want so much.
To see how our walls of protection push away love, notice how you feel when you are around someone whose walls are thick.
Notice how uncomfortable you feel.
Notice how your walls go up.
Now notice how you feel when you are around someone who is open, with little or no walls of protection.
Young children are like this.
Notice how loved and accepted you feel.
This type of person pulls love out of you.
Notice how loving you become.
We put up walls to protect ourselves from the hurt, but the hurt we are avoiding isn't outside ourselves, it's inside.
So instead of keeping the hurt out, our walls of protection keep the hurt in.
Instead of protecting us, our walls destroy love, create opposition and produce more hurt. Your most powerful protection comes when you open your heart and are willing to express your love.
Love melts opposition, creates harmony and heals hurt.
To open your heart and be an expression of love, you have to be like a young child.
You have to be willing to be hurt..
This doesn't mean go get hurt; just don't run from hurt.
Be willing to experience any hurt that may come along.
Make peace with your hurt.
Cry like a child.
Let the hurt come and let it go..
Remember, the hurt that you are avoiding is only hurt from the past.
It's hurt that you you have suppressed.
As you allow yourself to feel this hurt willingly like a child, the hurt loses power and begins to dissolve.
Look forward to opportunities that allow you to release more hurt.
The more you are willing to be hurt, the more you won't be.
As long as you avoid hurt, you will create hurt over and over again.
We go through life with our walls up waiting for others to take the first step and express their love.
Then, if we feel safe enough, we will open our hearts and express our love.
Unfortunately, almost everyone is waiting for someone else to take the first step, and few do. As a result, we live in a world where people go around protecting themselves instead of expressing their love.
The process begins with you. . . .

This was extracted from my friend's blog... it has written such truth that i wish to express out as well...

Guilty, Sad, Boring, Sianz & Nothing Else?

Guilty? Nah... playful is the word. Though that's being said in a very much nicer way of the pranks i've pulled on someone. Oopzz.. it was an accident. =p lolx...

Sad? Yea... be moving to new premises soon. The more stories i've heard about the new place, the more i dreaded going to. Yet, the stay there is at least 4 years for they had rented the place for 3 years and 1 year of stay was given free. Yes, 'FREE' is the word.

Boring? Because of the fatigue be getting from the moving of the office, i reckon there won't be much energy left to party. Besides, i've always dreaded heading to town during this season. Damn crowded. I'll rather stay home. Though i'll miss the fun and laughter with friends. & the point is... it's christmas?!! Haiz...

Sianz? Make that doubly sianz because right now, more work is beginning to pile up because there's no point in clearing in the first place. It's only wiser to do them once we are settled at the new premises and with the new firm name. Oh.. have i mention about the new name? Dumb name if u asked me. The name we are using now is so much more appropriate. C.YOGARAJAH. At least it DOES sound like a legal firm. & the new name with effect from January 2006, Island Law Corporation. Sounds so much like a clinic name. The only consolating fact? It sounds like a specialist clinic name, unlike those neighbourhood kind. Argh... still... the name sucks.

I'm glad the day is coming to an end soon. Soon, i'll be home sweet home, hugging my care bear, counting the stars in the sky and playing chess with 'zhou Gong'. I need sleep. Barely slept last night. I'm not normal either, am i? Why can't i simply ignore and just head to sleep? Yet, i bothered with the trouble of replying and teasing. What do i gain from it? Nothing.

Life is in a mess...

Sorry

My apologies for running away from a hilarious, caring, sensitive, doting n potential companion. The signs were there and i chose to ignore it. Why? Because i don't wish to bend the rules i've set for myself. I know myself more than anyone else does. I don't wish to hurt you in the future. I know i will. Getting comfy with and having that special chemistry are entirely two different matters to me. And it does mean alot to me in finding the one i truly 'love'. I am still searching for the special one who will make my heartbeat became abnormal. Though i may have subconsciously lost the ability to 'love' long ago. It doesn't matter.

You are a bro whom i treasure lots. And bro always is a bro to me. Nothing else changes. Because, an otherwise great friendship will then be disrupted and changed. I don't want that to happen. I don't. Forgive me for trying to protect a bro n sis relationship. Perhaps, it's no longer the same anymore, but i truly wish that things can be reverted back.

Books Books & More Books

Was at kino last friday, happily browsing through 'treasures' ... lolx and just thought of sharing these titles. =p or if anyone kind enough to lend me if you happen to have them? heehee...

The God of Small Things

The Curious Inncident of a Dog in a Night? By Mark Haddon

Empress Orchid By Anchee Min

The Good Earth By Pearl S.Buck

Chaotic Rules

Very often, i find my well planned agenda being disrupted with all the last min changes. Not that i mind very much but at this rate i won't be getting anything done efficiently anymore. Need to enforce some rules into my life soon or with immediate effect. Else, a total defeat will surfaced & it be too late for any amendments.

Anyway, last night i had a pretty enjoyable dinner with my bros and friends. Haha.. it was like a night of the pig and the beasts. Seth, Roy, Weiqiang and Anthony were having dinner with the most greedy pig in the universe. =p Come to think of it, i think i ate the most. Oopzz...

And through the ride home, i remember why i love my bros so much back in sec days. Simply because they are really great fellas. The goodness which there are no words to describe. I'm happy that he found a companion and wishes him all the best.

He said something which jolted me till now. Something which has been bothering me since i'm aware of this world. And i'm working hard right now to have a solution.

The Promise

Caught 'The Promise' on sunday evening. My conclusion? Never to let yourself pissed off by a gal, else you will suffer for the rest of your life. My bro's conclusion? Never to agitate a petty boy, else you won't have a good life.

Hmm... another moral of the story? Everything else is still being controlled or destined. You can never change the fate. Though in the story it was stated that 'Changqing' can change her fate but it was accompanied by a unless clause. Now, isn't that destined already? With consequences and results being known, there isn't any purposes at all so to speak off.

Anyway, the weird storyline apart, it was a enjoyable outing. I didn't know there was such great view at the marina foodcourt. & as usual the goofing & fooling around. Gosh, with the absence of him in my life, there be so much laughter being lost.

Thoughts

"When everything else fails you, you still have yourself. All you need is to get ya butt out and make that difference you want. Never say die attitude"

"Was there ever love at all? When love fails not once, not twice but thrice, is there any more to feel or give the next time?"

"I wish not once but many times to start all over again but the chance is dimmer at every start, soon there be light no more?"

"Getting all masked up is a fast procedure. It's the revealing of the true self frightening everyone off that deter the reverse process."

"It's easy to fall for a person. Just that the person has to be the one who speed up your heartbeat and that person is hard to find."

"Loving someone is not difficult. It's the maintaining of it that's tough. The power station does break down once awhile and needs maintanence."

"It's always nice to see loved ones being embraced with happiness even if it means the absence of you. For it means that at least one party is still happy."

"I can't regret knowing you. For it will meant that i regret the sweet and fun memories that comes with it though it ended with bitterness. I would rather hold onto it for at least i had it."

"Alone but not lonely. Yet lonely in a crowd."

"Why did you lie? Even white lies can never be harmless irregardless the initial goodwill. Just like you can't cover fire with paper."

Boring Friday

Bosses are out because of a fire drill. Anyway they are not in most of the time. But thanks to the fire drill, my colleague and i had a brunch, officially to eat 'snake' and also to explain why am i so active in blogging again.

Right now, i'm feeling so bloated. Had the big breakfast at Mac at around 11 plus and the time now is 12.15 noon. & i'm still going for lunch at 1p.m Is that supposed to be good life for me or plain torture?. I've left with one and only pair of jeans to wear and it's getting tighter n tighter. Sad to say i'm back to my complusive eating disorder again. The exercising has been lesser and lesser. None at all since last week for i was home less than 8 hrs everyday. My baby not home too. Excuses and excuses. =p

I had wanted to watch 'Perhaps Love' yesterday but it was not showing at ps. The nearest was at cine but didn't feel like heading to cine though and there goes the movie watch. Nevermind that, i still have 'The Promise' this sunday.

My plan for the weekend is kinda drawn up. Giving myself full ample rest on saturday. Nope, no drinking at all. Just to laze around at home. Sunday after visiting my dad, i will be heading to meet my friend-cum-client at Sembawang. Gee... that's so far... follow by a movie. & that's back to work on monday again. The mad rush once more.

I was just reminded of the various birthdays this month. Michelle's hubby, my bro, one of my sec frd, my gf, my ex colleague and the one whom i am sort of attracted to. & coming January i'm turning 26.

=(

The presents i've set for myself has been postponed. Hmm... should i set myself a list of wishes . new year resolutions? Will this time round i will really abide by it?

Only time can tell...

okie, here goes the list...

1. To get myself a pair of blades and really learnt it.

2. To go on a solo trip.

3. To organise a trip for the ex-YKP staffs.

4. To really be disciplined in maintaining a exercise regime.

5. To drink at most once a week. Ok lar, make that twice but definitely not thrice.

6. To get myself new player.

7. To get myself a digi camera. (or does anyone wanna sponsor? =p)

8. To go for a medical check up. Yupz, a full medical checkup at RH.

9. To really smoke less.

10. To remember all my bros and frd's BD.

11. To have more determination in saying no.

12. To be less violent.

13. To be less 'attitude' (Erm.. i don't think this is possible)

14. To learn driving? (Now that's mission impossible)

15. To learn rock climbing (lolx... i must build up the stamina first)

16. To take up a course? (like?)

17. To get started on the sideline. Or rather a side interest lar.

18. To spend less on vcds. Lolx...

19. To visit the zoo & night safari (Hmm.. how hard can this be?)

20. To really DO it.

hahaha...

Perfectly Matched?

This jig saw puzzle thingy suddenly came into my mind this morning while on train to work. Were couples ever meant to fit each other like a jig saw puzzle? That almost perfect soulmate to you?

All of us have been searching for that almost perfect partner. One whom we can ever click, share the same direction in life. Yet, what should you do when, A has the physical qualities that attracts u, B shares the same intellectual level with u, C fulfills the requirement of a perfect husband & D understands u more than anyone else.

Is there really a One guy out there for u?

No, there isn't.

The truth is, for that position there is not just one suitable candidate but many.

It's only how u wana perceive that fella. The power of staying true, accepting & maintaining the love for the person. Otherwise, why would people strays so easily nowadays. Citing even no reasons for breaking up and wanting to patch back sometime later again.

We always want greener pastures. Just because the current beau doesn't have the qualities of providing you a better life in the future, you choose to leave. When the one who has the qualities of giving a proper home, he doesn't quite have the tender loving care showering to you like the previous one.

Doesn't all these just show how shallow love is?

Has the society manage to successfully groom us into creatures who just can't love anymore? Just can't bring ourselves to be faithful, truthful, tolerant, accepting and trusting to whom we have chose.

We have learnt to regret the choices we have made, giving up and not giving a second chance. The we regret more when we can't head back to where we have started.

Kinda having more & more disillusion about love. I'm tired.

Ultimately we all hunger for someone whom we can love, to share our life with, to grow and be indulge in a stable companionship. Someone we can without any worries to just lie on.

Have i became rather contented with myself that it doesn't matter anymore to look for a special someone but rather someone who can just give me the thrills?

Blabbings Again

Merely half a month's time seem to have happened a great deal. Hated that.

I want my baby. But i can't possibly turn up at my colleague's house in the middle of the night saying i wish to take my baby out for a ride and back in the wee hours, can i?

Losing my sleep lately...

Thinking about quite a bit of stuffs...

I need myself back.

People i fancy doesn't give me a chance to just know them, as in really get to know them & understand them. Okie, i give up. It's your lost. Since you guys chose to be framed up, fine & i'll just leave you guys in that small little square box.

Been immersing myself in sadness. But it won't be long. Nope, life's too short to be preoccupied by sad happenings.

This morning, before heading for work i made myself to grab a book. It's titled "Sushi For Beginners". Quite engaging & i'm glad i'm back to one of my favourite past times.

Slowly pulling myself out.

Though there are times i really envy those who found someone to walk the rest of their journey with. Almost crashing myself endlessly & yet fruitless. Yet, when there seems to b another light shining elsewhere, i hide away myself into the darkness.

I'm sorry. Just that, i don't wish to jeopardise a otherwise wonderful friendship i can have for the rest of my life.

I guess right now as fate shall decides for me, it's best to be solitary.

Actually there are so much more things for me to focus on now. My work, my dad n my personal goals. Hmmm... how do i ever manage to fork out the time for troubles?.. lolx..

=>

A good news came to me last night. One of my good friends told me she has the green light from her hubby to go on trips with me. Even though we have never mention at all to travel (or did we?) but i'm glad that she made the effort to bring it up to her hubby. Action does speak louder than words. This is one of the friendships i must not let it slip by.

I guess this is gona be one of the longest blog i've ever made. Or is this going to b the longest yet?

Haha.. no idea... just that, ain't in the mood for work, esp so when the stuffs i was trying to clear earlier were given an extended deadline. Phew... but still, i hadn't got much time for it since we have to start packing stuffs to the new premises. New home.

Gee... don't really look forward to the new home for its situated at the heart of the CBD. Gosh, imagine the office rush. The real thing as compared to now. & i have to wake up slightly earlier than before. Boring boring n boring. The only comforting fact is there are more good food around as compared to here. Guess the new home is jeopardising my diet plan. Hahaha...

I've just received a new mail, its a update of a ex colleague's blog. Pretty interesting...

http://kanto.blogs.friendster.com/vynn_aka_de_sen/


I wish i've learnt to communicate better with my parents.

I wish i have learnt to combat loniliness the easier way-which is probably not to think about it and simply indulging in the present.

I wish i've learnt that by loving someone is not to restrict the person but giving them freedom.

I wish i've learnt to embrace the world better with each tomorrow.

Oh well, getting too much wishes already...

Christmas is just round the corner & i've only managed to get gifts for two of my loveliest ladies, both happily married to wonderful guys. Argh, what about my bros?.. Hmmm.. I'm sure they will forgive me if it's belated right? Right guys? =p

Well, enough of my nonsensical blabbings...

Continued...

Gosh, haven't been sleeping well since last sunday... guess it will be my record this week. Zombie for entire week straight.

Since returning to my favourite chill out place, i'm addicted once more. Alcoholic Alert!!! Argh!!!

It ain't a smooth week for me man... first it was INTRUDER ALERT MODE!!! & now? Alcoholic Alert mode.

Called me shallow or whatever u may, i just detest so much so much of my flatmate's new 'partner'. Everything was peaceful with just the 2 of us living in the house. Each of us doing our own things & never interfering with each other. Mutual understanding is there. I don't mind him bringing ppl over to spend the night or having frds staying through the weekend. I'm perfectly fine with that. No matter what, we are all adults.

But not now. Definitely not! Because it just seems to me he's ruining his life. How can he simply bring a gal home to stay for two weeks to a month's time? When he barely know her? On top of that, she was flown over from *guess its not appropriate to state the country of origin* I admit i'm shallow. I just have this huge discrimination against them. Not that i do not have friends from that country, yes i have. & very clickable friends indeed too.

But still, for a person you barely know, would you fly all the way and stay with him? Nicer way of putting it, they are ***** brides. Another word? ***** hookers.

& he's even shallower enough to have a big change in his lifestyle. Getting all hardworking suddenly. Becoming into a clean freak over night. Superficial creature!!!

Because of her, i even have to relocate my baby to my colleague's house for a temporary stay. I'm not risking any chance for her to touch or meddle with my stuffs. Hell no. Not going to let her to contaminate my belongings in any way.

I know i'm mean. I'm bad. That's the way i am. If anyone were to be in my situation, it would be rare for the person to remain calm. Trust me.

Purely desperations for him? No idea & not that interested to find out.

Right now, i'm just waiting for the gal to complete her social visit stay & get lost.

& now to the alcoholic alert? Maybe i'm being affected by one way or another by her. That i just wanna numb myself. To make myself concussed the moment i'm home, to erase the fact that i have a complete stranger next door. Of which i have been rather sucessfully in it from the day she touched down till last night. No booze last night. & another different sets of thoughts has started to infuse its way in me.

I can imagine my brain network now. Not the usual criss crossing, spider-webby liked network, but getting more complicated with additions of new members known as knots. Whether is benign or malignant, only time can tell.

I was supposed to be enjoying my December for it's a month of partying. But apparantly God decide otherwise for me. Loads of tricky situations for me, endless pissing off by aliens aka intruders & the moving of office. I'm not going to enjoy this christmas, am i?

I can figure a pig snoring her way through the christmas due to the fatigue slowly building up since the start of December.

Lousy Weekend Lousy Monday

I was a a zombie last friday and is still a zombie today. Barely slept & still trying hard to recover from the wounds caused by unintentional actions. Sweared that i'll never step into icb yet i still couldn't resist myself. It's a nice place man... yet... its also a sorrow place for me. Freaked my bro out by crying, hey, it was my first time crying at a pub. I didn't want that to happen too. Just that, i do need to let my emotions out.

& really thank you so much so much. Nothing can justify my gratitude to you for your endless companionship. Your undying care, concern & love for this foolish sis for yours. Yours crappiness that makes me laughed till my eyes vanished.

To be continued...

Aftermath-Stoned & Very Stoned

I was really thankful that my bro got me a date. But a rather anticipating twosomes date soon blossomed into a threesomes instead. Haiz... the purpose of the date was truly defeated. Is he shy? Or is he simply a piece of wood?

The movie was fine. The ikea shopping was so-so. The drinking was fun. But maybe the booze was overdosed, hence the incapability of falling asleep. Was tossing and turning the whole night. Hence, the stoned state now.

I like his smile. His gentleness. Still...

3 December 2005

For the past week, i'm finally letting myself to have some decent fun n joy. Not just work & head home. TV was my companion for 3 whole weeks, including my weekends. Nah, that was enough.

Crazy insane nite, that is what i would describe my friday nite yesterday. Though it wasn't like a huge group gathering, just my bro n me at ice cold, yet it was hilarious. The jokes that we created, the topics we were at, etc n etc. The watching of babes n fatso, lolx... on top of that, i was laughing n crying at the same time. Ain't an easy feat yea?...

& on the nite before, i was at Mt. Faber. Gosh... it was beautiful. There's no other place like Mt. Faber. Except New Asia Bar i suppose?. But for those who have gota watch their wallets, Mt. Faber is the place. Nothing beats the nite tour around the hill.

Sometimes i was pretty worrying that what if i got myself used to being so single & independent, satisfied with just the companion of you guys, my bros, buddies & galpals & won't be bothered with finding someone to share my life with. How sad can that be? Actually it's not a sad thing. Unless i'm trying to force myself to suit into someone who happen to cross my path. & that, i won't repeat. What will come, will come.

Round of applause for the joy of freedom.